Tuesday, December 29, 2009

the naked lover (5)

heart on sleeve - © Janelle M. Segarra



I have always been a naked soul, open book, pages still wet with ink for the world to absorb. I have always been a love, lover of life, of sound, of wind, of beauty and ugly, of bent souls. This Naked Soul Lover status has always seemed my essence, my core of being and being honest, it has also been the bane of my existence. What aspects of self should one release in this resolution making business? It seems I may need to phoenix and rebirth from my ashes as the sum of my parts are outside of the proverbial box. 


“Ephemeral Lover 

I am a lover. I have always been a lover. I think it’s the artist in me. I select and configure, people places and things in such a way that I might fall in love so that I might further my art of writing, painting, drawing, loving… I inflate the significance of things to full bloom and sometimes I get lost between truth and fiction. So, if I fall (have fallen) into artistic love with you, or something you’ve created, know that it’s my way. It has always been my way. Love is my air. I breathe in and out all day. 

This transitory little thing flitting like summer butterflies: rest. float. rest. am I now resting or floating? Or is there some new realm, some horizon which magically weens earth from sky and vice versa; some parallel existential existence beyond the temporal… where lovers meet and art is made on human canvas. What am I saying? I don’t think I’m saying anything, just feeling…feeling around in the dark of thought, mixing the two together, baking them to perfection. Ahh confection! That’s what I’m trying to say. 

That is all. ” – © Janelle M. Segarra 

I’ve always worn my edible little heart on my sleeve and blatantly so, this has been a blessing and a curse. So, no more open confectionery heart dying sleeve red with the seemingly forbidden juice of ripe passion? Can any of you tell me how one closes off a segment of self, seamlessly, painlessly? Is it possible? Change. Change is inevitable and necessary for progression, but when is it progress and when is it digression? 

The Biblical sense of the word change comes to mind “die to self”. I suppose this is the key, but how is my query. I mean, I know how, I just don’t know how….. Another Biblical statement comes to mind, “if the eye offends, pluck it out” so in this case, should I rip out my heart and toss it beating upon the embers? Yes, I’m a writer so I would be dramatic like that wouldn’t I? 

All I know is something has got to change. I know that I have never meant any harm and that I have always lived to love and always in all things simply been my authentic self, but that now seems to be a conflict, maybe it always has been but I was too busy being me to notice. The sideways glances and church pew whispers I evoked as a young girl, the mothers worried about their prized sons, the fathers worried about themselves and their own lusts. And me, just existing, being myself but uncontrollably exuding allure and sensuality. How does one turn this off when one never turned it on to begin with; it is my default setting. 

devour my heart - © Janelle M. Segarra


“My heart is an edible confection. You held it between your lips slipping your words around it, letting it rest on the tip of your tongue. You whispered your fantasies (and prayers) into it. You buried all your secrets there pressing them in deep with your lips and tongue. You spoke of possibilities and weekends and God and my heart was devoured one bite at a time. There is nothing left on which to feed. ” – © Janelle M. Segarra 

At any rate, my attempt is now to sever this segment of self. Don’t worry, I’m sure I shall still have joy and adapt as we human animals do to new circumstances. There are those who live without limbs, kidneys, etc. so I should manage just fine without the bigger part of my heart… 



[Via http://jsegarra.wordpress.com]

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