Your dressed and undressed girls, girlfriends, teens, women and wives – #10

Your dressed and undressed girls, girlfriends, teens, women and wives – enjoy!

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39. itching and scratching

apartment hunting sucks.  there’s no two ways around it.  it doesn’t such as remy whateverhisname does as the EIC of Gawker, but it is close.  so i always hit a spot with some trepidation.  there’s the ax murderer question – is there one waiting in the apartment or is he right outside? 

so we (bff we’ll call beth) got a bit lost and wandered around.  we finally found the open apartment after a few close calls and a weird gold buddha outside someone else’s apartment (it was staring at us).  entering the place, we focused on the view, the lighting, the ceiling and the layout.  that proved to be an almost fatal mistake.  a few short minutes (maybe seven?) when beth was trying to figure out where my couch was going to go, i felt a weird “ouch” on my foot.  i looked down.  and saw (easily) six black things on my foot, climbing and bopping all over.  i think i screamed but i also could have blacked out because the next 10-20 seconds is gone.  all i know is that one second we were in the apartment and the next minute beth was down three flights of stairs and i was slamming the door shut, taking off my shoes and scrubbing my legs.  at first i thought they were little spiders (aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh), but they proved to be fleas.  yes, fleas.  in an empty apartment that was showing off of a craigslist listing.  now, i’m not saying this place was in the poshest spots in bev hills, but it was a good $2100 per month.  so not what you’d expect as low in terms of infestation management. 

so i picked the fleas off of beth’s legs, found one on the side of her face and basically took the role of master chimp in picking them out of her hair – although to be fair i never found one in her hair.  all while dancing and taking them off myself too.  but then i lost it and …before several apartments and in the open air, i depantsed.  what else are you going to do?  also, the itching.   our entire bodies were crawling and biting and itching.  our shoes off, our jackets on the ground …we lost it.  there was some shrieking but i’m happy to report, no crying.  beth ran into an open garage and depantsed as well.  i really hope the neighbors around enjoyed the show.  you’ll never know how much a mole looks like a flea until you get attacked by fleas.  the problem is that you keep hitting yourself in the same spot because the panic makes you forget you have them, even if you have just ensured you are flea free.  we’ll be looking like we just spent the night with mike tyson. 

best quote of the day?  beth: “what if they are IN MY BUTT?”  (said twice, maybe three times)

so what do you review after THAT situation?  the answer is clear: tuna for kitties from trader joe’s.  thankfully the two kitties have never had fleas or anything even resembling that so they had a little treat tonight from the tj’s.  in the kitty food section (tiny so easy to find) there are cans of the tuna for kitties.  it might say tuna for cats but that sounds so much less friendly that i’m going to change it for them.  anyhow, i can say that based on a taste test of 2, the kitties love the tuna for kitties.  love, adore, whine for more. 

apartment hunting with fleas: sucks beyond measure

tuna for kitties: looks like a perfect 10

i am still itching.

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Sci-fi week: Amanda Tapping (SG, SG Atlantis, Sanctuary)

Amanda Tapping

(born 28 August 1965 in Rochford, Essex) is an English-born Canadian actress, producer and director. She is best known for portraying Samantha Carter in Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis. Currently she stars as Dr. Helen Magnus in the Syfy Channel series Sanctuary.

http://www.amandatapping.com

 

Click here or check out the archives for the rest of the Sci-fi weeks posts.
And also click on the pictures for bigger size.

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Love At The Edge Of The World

Submitted by: dunno source via Submit Page

Dayyum. Is that Richard Hatch from Survivor? This picture’s like some Annie Leibovitz shit. Artsy in a ‘creepy, random nakedness’ way. You know the couple has it blown up and framed above their mantel. 

Seriously, though – who is that naked guy? 

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part tj's, part gym, scoring both. (#36 mebbe?)

so sure, tj’s is awesome.

but i gotta blow of steam somewhere and in the effort of my transformation, this is now going to become (i can already tell) a gym bitch blog.  yeah, whatevs.

so first, there is a lowfat, non-fried tortilla chip that tj’s has.  it’s in a clear tortilla-ish bag with red on it.  and it is AWESOME.  seriously, ridiculously awesome.  you can barely (well, you sorta can but still barely) tell that it’s lowfat.  it is by far the best lowfat tortilla chip that i’ve ever seen.  and i’ve tried pretty much all of them.  i’d actually buy this on purpose all the time.  i don’t know that i’d go back to full fat.  what’s the point?  i mean besides hangover margarita deliciousness.  but save those calories for the margarita mix, yo. 

so speaking of lowfat (zing! transition!), i started my new workout routine at my fabulous gym.  joined friday, worked out today.  let’s get two things straight: a gym is a place for working out.  naked happens.  however, 55 year old lady, naked should NOT happen (EVER) when you are in the bathroom stall.  let’s be clear on that, shall we?  you may have been taking a shower.  you may be going to change.  however, naked does not need to be walking out of a bathroom stall and over to wash your hands.  boundaries anyone?  this is NOT your home bathroom.  and if you own this gym, then please close it down and don’t let anyone else in.  and second, 55 year old MAN.  i hope you had a great swim.  i hope it was awesome.  that’s a great way to work out without joint issues and all that.  blah, blah.  however if you walk from the pool to the cafe again with nothing but a speedo on, i’m going to actually shriek in horror.  i wasn’t able to stop my gasp today but i wasn’t sure you heard it.  i did mutter “my eyes! my eyes!” but i think i was actually too quiet.  dear sir, that won’t happen next time.  next time i will shried in horror and then yell AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS “ack! i’m blinded by speedo!”  so you two inappropriate people, you have been warned.  boundaries.  america is supposed to be repressed and i think everyone at the gym would appreciate just a wee bit more repression.

overall tortilla chip score: 9.2

totally would buy

overall naked woman in bathroom score:  -5 billion

ack.

overall speedo score: -5 billion

nightmares.

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Guess who's coming to twitter

If you’re like me, then I am sorry. I know, it sucks. But also you are probably jonesing for a Conan fix right about now. Sadly,  staying in bed all day, wearing nothing but a pair of old, dirty underwear, eating nothing but chips and soda, watching old clips of Conan on youtube and crying so much that you are eventually lying in a pool of your own filth and tears (which, again, if you’re like me you have already done) was the only way to satiate the need for Conan, until now.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Conan O’Brien’s twitter account: Conan’s Twitter

Enjoy it and may we all watch Remington Steele naked.

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Scary Lake

It was a very long and incredibly hot day and it was almost over. The sun as a giant red ball was going down but that was not helping at all — the air was still scorching and Natasha felt extremely tired after many hours of driving through that hostile rocky valley between high mountains somewhere at the end of the world. Her old good friend Jeep Wrangler had a soft top but no air-conditioning so she had to drive topless to stay cool and let the wind take the excessive heat from her nicely tanned body. After driving non stop the whole day Natasha was getting close to the edge of this seemingly endless desert and the landscape was slowly changing. The rocks were getting smaller yielding to hills covered with a dingy grass and real forests could be already seen on the horizon. According to the map there was a lake not far away from her current position. Stopping for a rest was probably a good idea. Natasha imagined how she could be taking off her clothes and running into cool refreshing water totally naked. It was so tempting! She got off the trail and struggled through the rocks towards the possible place of pleasure.

The lake was indeed a refreshing place. Concealed in a deep cavern it looked really charming in contrast to the dusty lifeless desert. The sand beach was closely guarded by palms and high tropical trees so she had to park her car and carve her way through the thicket on foot. The view inside was magnificent. The light blue water framed by the golden sands and the green trees instantly made her forget about the dirty long road. Inspired by the beauty of the place Natasha undressed quickly and rushed into the cool water. Everything was just as she imagined: a playful prelude with clouds of icy splashes followed by a heavenly tranquil pleasure that was taking all worries far far away. Her tired overheated body was revitalising and cooling off. It was a paradise. She was swimming, diving, laughing. Almost an hour passed by when saturated with pleasure Natasha went ashore and laid on the sand. Every muscle in her body was relaxed. In a few moments she fell asleep.

It was a deep night when she woke up. In the moonlight everything was different and mysterious but Natasha was not scared, she was enjoying herself being fully naked and free in this enigmatic world. She approached the water and to her surprise it was much warmer than before. For a moment it even appeared to her that these tiny wavelets on the surface had flocked around her feet and flirted, inviting into the water. She found that amusing and made a few steps into the water accepting this provocation. The next moment the floor disappeared, the overwhelmed girl submerged and begun to sink. Luckily she was a brave female so she quickly managed to pull herself together and with a considerable effort made it back to the surface just to realize that it was only the beginning of the adventure.

In a moment Natasha found herself on a great distance from the shore. Now it was scary. What kind of power was capable of doing such things? Well, that was irrelevant all she really wanted at that bloodcurdling moment was to get out of the water as soon as possible. Heading to the coast the fearful girl made a few strokes when something seized her legs. Natasha roared like a trapped animal. It felt like she was being attacked by stalks. They quickly ascended, winded around her hips and tried to get into the vagina. The whole thing was like an awful nightmare, she could not believe that it was happening for real. Scared to death she started rowing towards the shore as fast as she could, but it was really hard — now the girl had to fight not only the natural resistance of the water but also the unnatural power that already almost completely seized her. She realised that one of the stalks just made it right into her pussy. It was way too much for the poor girl. Natasha started writhing in hysterics and may be that had given her an extra power. Struggling to keep herself afloat she was moving chaotically desperately trying to tear up the fetters which were getting tighter and tighter with every second.

The desperate fight lasted for a good few minutes when she finally managed to break free. The girl made it just enough on shore and blacked out. When in a few minutes she regained conscience, everything around was calm and peaceful like nothing ever happened. A moon walk was shining over the perfectly still water and the girl started to think that it was nothing more then a bad dream. Relieved Natasha sat up, looked down and the very next second a bloodcurdling scream broke over the lake. It was not a dream. The persistent stalk that had managed to get into her vagina was still there. But that wasn’t the most terrifying thing. Coiled tightly around her left thigh it was making movements that left not doubt about his intents. The stalk was raping her! It was the scariest moment of her life but same time the situation was so unusual that she felt like the fear yields to a complex yet unknown emotion. It was an unstable mixture of fear, curiosity and pleasure. With interest and growing excitement she was watching its movements. Everything was fucking real. The stalk started to move faster driving itself deeper and deeper in her wet and red-hot pussy. It was the strangest act of love in the world but the woman was totally enjoying it. She was moaning and screaming, her mouth was wide open, the nipples were firm, the whole body was shaking and tears were coming down over her cheeks. She totally lost control. The stalk was tireless. This incredibly sweet torture lasted for hours and during that time Natasha had been conscious absorbing pain and pleasure even though the attack on her senses was way beyond human capacity. Probably it was almost the morning when the exhausted girl finally passed out.

Natasha woke up late when the hot sun was shining bright in the sky above. She sat up and glanced down. The stalk was still in there, but it seemed to be lifeless now. Natasha slowly took it out and found that the plant was absolutely dry inside but on the surface there were traces of a sticky white liquid. The breath taking conjecture was immediately confirmed by plunging a finger into the pussy — the stalk had ejaculated. There was lots of that liquid inside her so it had been not enough time for it to dry out completely. Natasha took a sample and studied it. The scent was different from real sperm. It was a saturated mix of tropical fruits with some subtle shades. She cautiously liked it with top of the tongue. The taste was as nice as the scent. Same moment as she licked it her head begun to spin and then an extreme weakness swept over her body. She made a few convulsive attempts to breath and lost consciousness.

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