Sunday, March 7, 2010

39. itching and scratching

apartment hunting sucks.  there’s no two ways around it.  it doesn’t such as remy whateverhisname does as the EIC of Gawker, but it is close.  so i always hit a spot with some trepidation.  there’s the ax murderer question – is there one waiting in the apartment or is he right outside? 

so we (bff we’ll call beth) got a bit lost and wandered around.  we finally found the open apartment after a few close calls and a weird gold buddha outside someone else’s apartment (it was staring at us).  entering the place, we focused on the view, the lighting, the ceiling and the layout.  that proved to be an almost fatal mistake.  a few short minutes (maybe seven?) when beth was trying to figure out where my couch was going to go, i felt a weird “ouch” on my foot.  i looked down.  and saw (easily) six black things on my foot, climbing and bopping all over.  i think i screamed but i also could have blacked out because the next 10-20 seconds is gone.  all i know is that one second we were in the apartment and the next minute beth was down three flights of stairs and i was slamming the door shut, taking off my shoes and scrubbing my legs.  at first i thought they were little spiders (aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh), but they proved to be fleas.  yes, fleas.  in an empty apartment that was showing off of a craigslist listing.  now, i’m not saying this place was in the poshest spots in bev hills, but it was a good $2100 per month.  so not what you’d expect as low in terms of infestation management. 

so i picked the fleas off of beth’s legs, found one on the side of her face and basically took the role of master chimp in picking them out of her hair – although to be fair i never found one in her hair.  all while dancing and taking them off myself too.  but then i lost it and …before several apartments and in the open air, i depantsed.  what else are you going to do?  also, the itching.   our entire bodies were crawling and biting and itching.  our shoes off, our jackets on the ground …we lost it.  there was some shrieking but i’m happy to report, no crying.  beth ran into an open garage and depantsed as well.  i really hope the neighbors around enjoyed the show.  you’ll never know how much a mole looks like a flea until you get attacked by fleas.  the problem is that you keep hitting yourself in the same spot because the panic makes you forget you have them, even if you have just ensured you are flea free.  we’ll be looking like we just spent the night with mike tyson. 

best quote of the day?  beth: “what if they are IN MY BUTT?”  (said twice, maybe three times)

so what do you review after THAT situation?  the answer is clear: tuna for kitties from trader joe’s.  thankfully the two kitties have never had fleas or anything even resembling that so they had a little treat tonight from the tj’s.  in the kitty food section (tiny so easy to find) there are cans of the tuna for kitties.  it might say tuna for cats but that sounds so much less friendly that i’m going to change it for them.  anyhow, i can say that based on a taste test of 2, the kitties love the tuna for kitties.  love, adore, whine for more. 

apartment hunting with fleas: sucks beyond measure

tuna for kitties: looks like a perfect 10

i am still itching.

[Via http://daysoftheweekunderpants.wordpress.com]

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