Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Personal Massage Experience

I was slightly trigger today as I drove by the massage clinic I went to a couple of years ago and acted out with the therapist.  At the time I was overwhelmed by the need to be touched and held by another masculine man.  I know that I was struggling with issues of masculinity and was highly triggered by muscular guys.  I had responded to several ads on Craigslist (CL) looking for other guys for massage exchanges.  This therapist responded.  I had seen his posts several times on CL but never face shots.  He had incredibly well defined pecs and thick muscular arms.   He always posted his shots holding his thick penis hanging out of his shorts with no face shot.  We exchanged several emails over a few days and I thought that I had been clear on my boundaries and expectations for getting together.  He was a professional massage therapist and owns his own clinic but because we were going to exchange massage I was not a client.

I have to admit, that I love getting naked with another guy.  There is something very open, bonding, masculine and vulnerable about the experience.  I still have work to do around this but have set clear boundaries that this is a behavior I cannot participate.   I got naked immediately as did he and instantly was charged by all of the naked muscle that came into view.  I managed to keep my erection in control as I jumped on his massage table.  He had great touch and I really enjoyed the experience and relaxed and told myself that this was going to be a positive and safe experience.  I did guide his hands away from my penis after I flipped over and he finished the massage trying to stay within my boundaries.  He demonstrated immediately that he wanted to push those boundaries.

We then exchanged places and I began to massage his back, butt, and legs.  Feeling his muscle tone and mass as I pressed deeply was very arousing.  I could feel the sexual energy building.  I should have got dressed, packed it up and got out but the feelings of arousal and excitement continued to grow.  If only I knew then what I know now of all of the biochemicals being activated in my brain as part of an addictive cycle.  When he flipped over and I saw how big his erection was I knew that I was at risk but continue to massage his chest, abs, and worked by way around his stiff member.  I purposely drew my naked body as close as I could to his to feel the warmth and stimulation.  The next steps are a blur.  I  remember that he sat up and grabbed the back of my head and just started french kissing me.  I had never been kissed by a man before and felt his warm tongue inside my mouth immediately.  I did not pull back and reciprocated aggressively sucking his tongue.  This was even more arousing and then he grabbed my penis and just pulled it next to him in classic hip thrusting frot.  The sensation was overwhelming and he stayed in my mouth as we stood there grinding on each other.  I do remember trying to back away and put myself back into some sense of my boundaries but it was just to late.  I was experiencing full erotica, having a sexual experience with another man.  I eventually exploded in a huge release all over his well toned abs and felt the warm semen as he exploded on me and it mixed together being rubbed into both our abs.

He would have kept going and wanted to take it to the next level by sucking me off but the reality of what had just happened began to rush into my conscience and I immediately started to feel the deep pain and sorrow for what I did.  How did I get into this situation?  How could I do this to my wife?  How am I going to explain the behavior to others?  My mind immediately was flooded with questions.  It was at this point I pulled myself together, got dressed and left the room.  This is something I should have done an hour before.   I started to go into denial space and told myself that it was not sex and that I did not have oral or anal experience so therefore I did not cheat on my wife.  I kept telling myself that it would never happen again and that my wife or church leaders would not understand what I was going through and how badly I needed to connect with men intimately.  The entire drive home I rationalized the experience away having no idea that it would open up a new cycle with new experiences for me and happen again.

I am not going to lie to anyone on this blog and say that I did not like the seconds of pleasure, but like the addiction cycle outlines, I did feel the full brunt of emotional pain after it was over.  Matter of fact, it brought up a lot of abuse memories when I fell victim to my abuser and I was forced to live through those memories as well for several weeks after.  At that time, I had not started any therapy and kept the event completely to myself and hidden like I had done with so many of my online experiences.  The difference this time was I had left the virtual world and actually experienced it with another human being.

As part of this blogging process I am going to detail each of the experiences that I had.  It is important to me to continue to bring them out of shadow into the light and acknowledge them.  I have been completely open with my spouse and church leaders about all events but have provided a lot more detail here about my emotions, thoughts and shame.  I have felt a great deal of shame through these process and am just now starting to let go.  I will not apologize and will not be ashamed of graphic language as I share these stories.  I will be straight forward and honest with any questions I get as a result of these posts.

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